Mom's passing

One of the most dreaded events has just taken place in my life recently...I lost my Mother.  Even posting it is difficult.  We were very close and I miss her so very much.  She was the life of the party...witty, funny, gorgeous.  This is how she wanted to be remembered in death.  Death?...oh the finality of it.  I'm still not sure I've excepted this new reality of life without her in it.  She left me a gold Angel necklace, and on the back engraved "I will always be at your side".  This I know is true, but has only slightly given me comfort.
    

Her passing has brought up many questions about death.  She was cremated and part of her ashes scattered out of state on her parents gravesites.  The "rest" of her buried where my father and I will be buried when that time arrives.  I have lovingly tried to have her wit and shared a few funny momemts I've had with her ashes (like sitting down at the kitchen table with her there and talking over her...something in life that would never have happened if you knew her!).  But these moments were awkward at times as well.  So the question remains (sorry for the pun), what will I do or my husband do upon our death.  What about you?  Keep in mind that I realize once you've passed that your body is a shell, but also think of it as a ritual that family has to address and deal with when you are gone.  She did not want people galking at her in death, so no viewing was her wishes.  That was an easy one, as she wanted her life celebrated not her death.  We did give her a beautiful memorial (which she also really didn't want, but we felt necessary for us and others to have closure).

Then I think of afterlife.  This one is a real brain twister.  What ifs and shoulds and questions about faith and religion.  All of us have different views on how we wish to perceive what happens to us when we die.  I like eternal sleep since I can't seem to get enough of sleep in my world. It makes sense to me...nothingness...no pain or "looking" down on us mere mortals and sharing our earthly suffering - that's not resting in peace.   Pearly gates seem a bit overdone, and our merciful lord makes me believe that fire is not something he'd prescribe (since if you believe...we are all sinners)  But trenched in the Bible are the answers...right?  Believers, non-believers - none of us will know until that moment, that day.  My hope is that when I die, my lord will let me in on all the answers to the questions I have asked while living...WHY...?

She is not suffering now, and she was so ready to go.  I loved her, I love the memories, I'll miss her so very much.